Friday 4 July 2014

A Dancer's Epiphany

Photo courtesy of PDV Photography
There's that brief moment for every dancer when, just before you go on stage, a final thought goes through your head, and that single thought, I have discovered, can make or break how you feel during a performance.

In the past, my usual final thought has generally been something along the lines of "oh please don't let me fuck this up!" or "oh please let me remember the choreography!"

Not helpful.

Oh sure, it's easy to tell other dancers to just relax and enjoy themselves, but remembering to remind yourself of that is a whole other bundle of hip scarves. In recent performances, I have decided that rather than allow my nerves to get the best of me and worry about remembering the dance or hoping I don't trip on my skirt or veil, I have used a single word or simple phrase that embodies the message or feeling I hope to convey. In doing so, I have found that I concentrate more on dancing rather than on just the steps.

Easier said than done, for sure, as often before a show we're happily chatting away with fellow performers or doing last minute touch-ups to our make-up and adjusting costumes, warming up our legs or simply trying to remember to breathe. That said, I have definitely found in my last few performances that getting into a different mind set has made a huge difference in how I feel - and therefore, hopefully - in how I appear on stage.

Strangely the other thing I have discovered, for my solo work, is that the final tech run can do me more harm than good. For example, my solo at The Lavish Project. I was so nervous because of who else was performing that night and who was going to be watching me that I lost the focus I wanted to keep in my mind - seduction (the song, in Medieval English, is about a prostitute trying to seduce a client) - I was on stage before I realized it and into my routine before I remembered to focus on my intention. 

Why and how does this relate to my final tech run?

I was so worried about being "good" that I simply focused on the steps I had choreographed rather than the mood I wanted to share. And since I felt my tech run was lousy (yes, I know, bad dress, good show), I was extra worried before I went to actually perform. Thus I lost my proper focus and felt disconnected from my music.

Not to say the performance was bad. I think it looked okay in hindsight after seeing the video, but what I feel I lost was my connection to the music and how I felt while dancing. Letting myself get all wrapped up in nerves kind of messed with my own satisfaction with my piece.

Taking that into account, the last Dark Salon I opted not to do a tech run of my solo (we did do a couple of runs of the group drum solo but I find group dynamics bring a different energy and that final prep I think helped bring us all together and to focus). I didn't make it in time for doing a tech run of my solo at the Dark Salon in December and it was one of my better performances, so I thought I'd try it again!

While I haven't yet seen the video of either my solo or the drum solo, I felt completely in the moment during both numbers. It was like having an epiphany, that feeling that you are completely aware and focused on the "now." I felt my music, solidified my intention, and went for it. 

I cannot tell you how much better I felt after that show. Both numbers - while I am sure I made some technical mistakes - felt whole and complete. I was there, in the moment, and having a total blast!

And at the end of the day, isn't that why we all do this in the first place?

Now, that said, I may feel different once I see the videos because, like most of us, I tend to be much more critical of my own work and tend to nit pick as I watch myself recorded, but at least, while I was dancing, I felt totally, completely and absolutely in love with what I was doing!